Stars in Fast Cars: 6 Nations Version
by Sebastian of Ulm
Summary: Your favorite Top Gear England presenters  me, Jamiebel and Davina  compete against different Top Gears from different countries. There will be crashes!  WARNING: I do not own Top Gear, Stars in Fast Cars or RBS 6 Nations; I only own the characters.
1. Welcome to Stars in Fast Cars!

Stars in Fast Cars: 6 Nations Version

_Now, from Corby, not the home of the trouser press, it's Sport Relief: Stars in Fast Cars, with your hosts Richard Hammond and James May!_

The day's games will be played in the majority of Rockingham Circuit in Northamptionshire. Today, 6 teams of 3 will be competing for Top Gear glory, pride, and of course, prizes, although the teams are all from the countries of the RBS 6 Nations Rugby competition (England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, France and Italy). The first team is made up of the new Top Gear Wales presenters: Jaime Espinoza, Taylor Isel, and Leann Lott. The second team is made up of the Top Gear Italy presenters: Nina Valenzuela, Ali Rodriguez, and Alyssa Castillo. The third team is made up of the new Top Gear Ireland presenters: Tanya Contreras, Alex Contreras, and Edith Camacho. The fourth team is made up of the Top Gear France presenters: Crystal Avila, Judit Limòn, and Katia Jasso. The fifth team was made up of the Top Gear Scotland presenters: Kennedy Coleman, Taylor Perea, and Chelsea Baker. The sixth and final team is made up of the Top Gear England presenters: Jim Eligino (me), Jamiebel Angkahan, and Davina Angkahan-Valerio.

Tonight, these 6 teams will play 10-pin bowling...with cars, playing a round of "Mastermind" to the smell of burning rubber, and (as a world first) racing – piggyback style. And to the overall victors go the spoils, but more on that later. First, there's some motorsport to do.

"Right, time to listen up for your first event," Richard announced. "Something to get the ball rolling, this is a straight race between the Jezzas." This meant that Jaime, Nina, Tanya, Crystal, Kennedy and I will be in this one. "So nothing too complicated about that. The cars, though, are a bit unusual. So bring 'em on!"

The cars that the Jezzas would be competing in are "Legend Racers". Each of us has a predetermined racer that he/she will be in.

"If we're going to the pub, Nina, Kennedy and I will _not_ fit in that," I commented.

"Now do not be fooled by the comedy, Bugsy Malone looks – these things are extremely quick. They're powered by 1200cc Yamaha motorcycle engines, developing 125 hp, and they'll do 0-60 in...?" James explained.

"Jim?" Richard asked.

"What, that?"

"Yes."

"1.6 seconds?"

"No, 4.8 seconds. That's quicker than an Aston Martin DB9, and a lot more chuckable."

Before we had our race, we had to decide the grid order, in order of how many Top Gear articles we've published in the Top Gear magazine.

"In pole position is, officially the biggest petrolhead out of this lot: Crystal Avila, publishing a total of 35 TG articles," James announced.

"In 2nd position, being photographed everywhere, but writing just 25 TG articles, yes, it is indeed, Nina Valenzuela," Richard continued.

"3rd place on the grid, being photographed in the shops, writing 18 TG articles, Jim Eligino."

"In 4th place, and we are working our way down now, people; it's his own fault, writing 10 TG articles, Jaime Espinoza."

So we are indeed working our way down. So who will be the zed-less Top Gear presenter?

"In position #5, writing a total of 6 TG articles... it's Kennedy Coleman!"

"Which means, with 0 TG articles, Tanya Contreras, you are the smallest petrolhead here, and you are in last position. So that's your grid order – go and have a look in the cars, go ahead and familiarize yourself with the cars."

We indeed had a look, and the cars were pretty uncomfortable, and unsafe. Awesome.

The race is 5 laps long, and a rolling start. When we began, Nina had already got the jump on Crystal and was extending her lead. She was changing gears as if they weren't there. Of course, someone, like Kennedy "Cole-nage" (an amalgam of her last name (Coleman) and "carnage") struggled to change gear. Meanwhile, Crystal had the first spin of, what would be for her, a somewhat stressing race. Despite their tricky little size, the Legend Racers are tricky little devils, as Jaime (and Richard never thought he'd say his name and the following action together) found out. I was neck and neck with Crystal, and I was able to pass her on the outside, trying to catch up to Nina. Unbeknownst to me, though, Tanya was right on my tail. The first one in an off is Jaime, as his gearstick busted.

"I don't wanna get the bleep machine out, but that (the gearstick) is _[bleep]_ crap," he complained.

Next to go was Nina, with a broken driveshaft. So that left the "Car-minator" (Kennedy), Crystal, and up front, the Contreras-Eligino battle, which was about to turn sour, as I, by accident, slammed in Tanya's side, making her spin out and, also thanks to Kennedy, end her race in a sea of smoke. On finding out that I took the lead, Hammond was less than pleased. Now it was a straight fight between me and Crystal, who, as we approached the final lap, closed in and overtook me. She held me up right up until the final corner of the final lap, where she went wide and I took her back, with me winning the race. Crystal came in 2nd, and Kennedy came in 3rd (because there was nothing left for her to hit or break).

The scores: Jaime crashed out first, so the Welsh get 1 point. Nina crashed out second, so 2 points for the Italians. Tanya crashed out third, so the Irish get 3 points. Kennedy finished 3rd, so the Scots get 4 points. Crystal finished 2nd, so the French get 5 points. And I finished 1st, so that earns the English the full 6 points.

Next: Car Bowling. This is made possible by an air cannon, which can be used to our advantage, but, each team would have to work together. And thanks to me, the Englanders went first.

"So guys, what do you think?" I asked.

"Considering the massive power of the cannon, we might have to shoot at a low angle, and utilize the power," Davina suggested.

"In English, please..."

"Go for around 975 PSI, maybe a little bit more, and a 30° angle."

I told the numbers to the Oxford-educated physicist, and let Jamiebel cue the launch.

"3, 2, 1, bang!" she shouted. The cannon launched the car forward, bouncing once, and tapped the cars.

"One!" Richard announced.

"What do you mean, one? That was three, and it would've been four, had you not jinxed it," Jamiebel groused. So, a modest 3 for us. Next, it was the Welsh, and they already had a plan.

"The Volvo's really heavy, so we'll go for a bouncing bomb approach, full power, knocking into the first one, then knocking them all over," Taylor I. explained.

And so, to the tune of ABBA, and an itchy button finger, the Welsh bowled over all 6 pins.

"That was brilliant!" Richard commented.

"Thank you," Leann thanked.

And upon closer inspection, the Volvo's front wasn't even dented. Next, it's the Scots. Obviously, all the cars are broken, so they should feel right at home.

"I think that it's really about taking part, and not really winning," Chelsea commentated. Amazingly, the Scots decided to jump the lot - go full whack (1000 PSI) on the power, and 45° angle.

"Shock and awe, mate," Taylor P. noted. When she cued the launch, they failed to miss all six, knocking over two pins.

We'll be back with more bowling later on, but now, it's time for the Captain Slows to shine in the "Motoring Mastermind/_QI_/Distraction" challenge. The car being used is a MINI Cooper S, 178 hp of pint-sized fun. What they'll be doing is driving an auto-test while answering general knowledge and general ignorance questions. It all finishes up with a power-slide park. Here's the summary:

Katia went first, skillfully navigating the course, but getting some of the questions wrong, and screwing up the parking.

Davina was next, and she had answered all her questions correctly, but ended up knocking over all the vases and also screwed up the parking. In addition, she may have roasted the clutch.

Leann came after, and she got her general knowledge questions on the dot, but her general ignorance questions were way off. She may be from Essex, and was born Welsh, but she ain't no getaway driver, as she maneuvered through the course like on Boxing Day. She never attempted parking.

Alyssa had the full package – she had all her questions right, easily moved through the course, and parked inch perfect.

Edith had the same result as Alyssa.

Chelsea "_Carr-Breaker*_" Baker ended up breaking two cars, missing half the course and had only one question from James: "Please, can I get out?"

_*This __nickname __(alongside__ "_Jimmy Carrnage"_) __was __bestowed __upon __one __Jimmy __Carr, __who __was __famous __for __breaking __every __car __he __used __on__ "__Stars __in __Fast __Cars__"__._

"What went wrong there, James?" I asked.

"She (Chelsea) can't drive!" he responded.

"I object to that 'what went wrong' – I think I did rather well!" she argued.

Right, back to Car Bowling. When we left off, the Italians were set to make their move – full whack on the power, 35° angle. When Ali cued the cannon, she, Nina and Alyssa got a strike. Next, the French went next, planned their idea, and knocked over 5 pins. Finally, the Irish were next, and is that an upside-down car?

"Yes, it is," Alex replied. "It just flipped over, and none of us can really be arsed about it." The Americans planned for a high trajectory for _7_ points. How far did their logic get them? Not very, as they missed the lot. Nonetheless, they celebrated. Time to tot up the scores:

The English got 3 pts from both the bowling and the auto-test.

The Irish got 5 pts from the auto-test, and none in the bowling.

The Scots got 1 pt from the auto-test, and 2 pts in the bowling.

The Italians got 6 pts from both the auto-test and the bowling.

The French got 5 pts from the bowling, and 4 pts in the auto-test.

The Welsh got 6 pts from the bowling, and 2 pts in the auto-test.

Here's how the scores stand:

Italy and France: 14 pts

England: 12 pts

Wales: 9 pts

Ireland: 8 pts

Scotland: 7 pts

Now hold your horses if you've got the end-result already – we still have one more event, so it's still anyone's game –but the final event will be held on BBC1 (because this is too good for BBC2). See you there!


	2. There Will Be Crashes!

Welcome to the final event of Stars in Fast Cars! Here's a little recap:

_I pipped Crystal at the finish line in the Legend race._

_Alyssa blitzed all newcomers in the auto-test._

_The Scots wrecked everything to kingdom come._

_The Italians and Welsh got max points in car bowling._

_The Italians and French are tied in the points standings._

This last event is Piggy-back racing – you may have noticed that there are three cars on top of each other, and 5 others like this. There's a reason for this – the driver on top has control of the steering and gears, the driver in the middle has to signal the other two drivers, and the driver on the bottom has control of the throttle and brakes. When all of us first saw the cars, our reaction was:

_"What the heck?"_ (Jamiebel and Davina)

_"Eh?"_ (Nina)

_"Holy nuts!"_ (Leann)

_"Bloody hell!"_ (Chelsea)

_"Flipping heck!"_ (everyone else except me)

In that case, James and Richard assigned everyone their cars – The Welsh had the white/green/red dragon cars, we had the green cars, the Italians had the red cars, the Irish had the white/green clover cars, the French had the blue cars, and the Scots had the dark-blue cars with green stripes. Oh, and one more thing – there were these mystery drivers in the orange cars, purely to cause trouble.

When we started the first of 10 laps, the red car (Valenzuela/Rodriguez/Castillo) had already claimed the lead from the French (Avila/Limòn/Jasso). So, with every team trying to blend their egos into one big driver, the lead changed every 10 feet. Then it started getting interesting, when the mystery drivers in the orange cars started making mischief. But the dark-blue and green team (Perea/Coleman/Baker) and the white/green/red team (Espinoza/Isel/Lott) were having none of it. And while that scuffle happened, amazingly, the white/green team (T. Contreras/A. Contreras/Camacho) sneaked the lead. But unfortunately, Edith couldn't give the full beans anymore, thanks to a radiator leak, so the Irish slowed down and were back to square one again. Meanwhile, the green team (Eligino/Angkahan/Valerio) started mounting a comeback, and with a right-side slam to the mystery drivers, we sneaked the lead, and the Scots followed after, chasing us down – it was now a two-horse race between the crosses of St. Andrew (Scotland) and St. George (England). Eventually, push came to shove, crashes galore and all that good stuff, we won the race, with the Scots in 2nd, the French in 3rd, Welsh 4th, Italians 5th, and the mystery drivers in 6th, and the Irish in 7th. Chelsea struggles to hide her shame, while Edith struggles to find the...brakes?

"Stop, you idiot!" James commanded. Of course, we _had_ to bump into Tanya, Alex and Edith (and as a result, Alex and Davina laughed). Also, if you wanted to find out our mystery drivers, they were (in order), Tiff Needell (on top), Sebastian Vettel (in the middle), and Tanner Foust (on the bottom). And so, with the final results, we turn to our hosts.

"Last place, with 9 points: Top Gear Ireland," James announced. The Irish were happy, because they knew they lost, and everyone congratulated them.

"Joint fourth, with 11 points: Top Gear Scotland and Top Gear Wales," Richard noted. The Scots' reaction – they thought it was a victory for them, as well as the Welsh.

"Third, with 17 points: Top Gear Italy," James continued. The Italians thanked them for a great time.

"Second, with 18 points: Top Gear France," Richard added. The French delighted they beat the Italians.

"And in first place, and there is _absolutely_ no way of fudging these results: with 20 points, I'm afraid it's Top Gear England," James concluded. Of course, the two of them _**didn**__**'**__**t**_want us to win, so Jamiebel, Davina and I flashed the "L for loser" sign at them. And as our prize, we got first choice of a Top Gear adventure for our next trip and a choice of three cars. We wanted to make a road trip to Romania (again) to ride the Transfăgărăşan Highway in the Ferrari 599 GTO, Lamborghini Murcielago LP670-4 SV and the Pagani Zonda Cinque.

Thank you so much for reading this story. Normal Top Gear will be resumed as soon as possible. Good night!


End file.
